Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Those moments when you think you were over something and then... have a dream and it is clear that your subconscious has not stopped thinking and worrying about it.

I really wish I wasn't so sensitive.

Right now, life would be so much easier if I didn't have so much time on my hands. I'm remembering how incredibly busy I was this time last year...I had never felt so good about myself, was surrounded by so many people who loved me and were proud of me and I was certain that it was just the beginning. While I'm still pretty sure my friends and family love me and are proud of me, I'm not feeling entirely enthusiastic about myself and my achievements right now. I wish I could have a guarantee that those feelings from last year will come again...but I know we can't get guarantees like that.

And, since I am not busy, it allows me time to go over stuff in my mind, over and over, and let it really really get to me.

I just don't get it.

I know that I really let myself care about something for a very long time, but accepted that it wasn't going to end-up the way that I hoped that it would...but I can't really feel better about the way that I was treated in the end, which was completely out of my control (And yet why am I still blaming myself somehow?). I deserved a lot better than that and I'm just very sad and feel a bit like I was kicked in the head by a Shetland pony. I want to assume the best of people, but that's hard when I feel really rather disregarded.

I know that I'm really nice to people, for the most part...I'm very sensitive when it comes to other people's feelings (I keep checking in with my friend whose cat just died) and it just stings when somebody can't be sensitive when it comes to mine, especially somebody I really cared about...especially somebody I thought was my friend and that I was very honest to. (Sometimes being so honest is the hardest thing in the world.)

And then, just when you think you've moved on, the situation is resolved in your dreams and you wake-up and realize that it didn't really happen...and you just feel bad.

You mustn't mess me about. I know I may look like a rhinoceros, but I've got quite a thin skin just be a bit careful with me...or I'll flatten 'ya-Benny in Circle of Friends

Diana Rissetto

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