Sunday, June 19, 2011

I never quite felt so Lloyd Dobler in my life.

I'm not one to quote John Cusack movies besides Serendipity ("Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan...if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny.") but a couple of weeks ago? 

I was feeling very, very much like Lloyd Dobler.

In Say Anything, John Cusack's character gives Ione Skye's his heart.

And she gives him a pen.

I poured-out my own heart, said some things that were really very hard to put in writing and admit to, and hoped for the best...and by "the best", I mean a friendly, "You're really great! You deserve all the happiness in the world and the best from life!" from this person. (I would have settled for just "great". I didn't even need anything like brilliant//hilarious/talented/one in a gazillion/the next Wendy Wasserstein or anything like that.)

That was really all that I wanted.

And I didn't get that. 

I didn't get anything close to that.

Instead, I got a two-word text message.  

(And, just so we're on the same page, those two words were not "You're fantastic!")

I felt my heart more or less shatter...not because this wasn't going in the direction of You've Got Mail or When Harry Met Sally... (once again...that is not what I was expecting at all) but because, at that moment, I felt like this person didn't even think I was worth cellphone minutes. 

Yes, I felt really terrible! 

Although letting-go of that hurt isn't as easy as I wanted it to be, I ended-up vowing to myself that I wouldn't let those two words from that one person have such an effect on me...because NOBODY'S words should,in any kind of uplifting or crushing way.

I could say stuff like, "Well, how about that random woman I met at my friend's show last month? I talked to her for five minutes and she went on-and-on about how wonderful I was. If a total stranger could tell me how great I am...why am I focusing on the negative..." but I shouldn't let that woman's praise positively influence my self-worth any more than this other person's two words did to hurt it. I should be standing on my own two feet and not care either way.

I know that little kids are the best indicators of character and I know that the ones in my life run to me like I'm a celebrity and crack-up at me like I am Jerry Seinfeld. That has to mean something.

I can make a list of all my accomplishments and realize that, even if I'm unemployed at the moment it IS only "at the moment" and I probably HAVE done a lot more than most people my age and I like to think I'm just getting started. More importantly, I KNOW I would never treat the outpouring of anybody's heart (anybody's!!!) with the insignificance of a two-word text message or a pen. 

It's just one crazy foreign thought to me.

I don't really feel as sad about this all anymore, but it's more that I am completely baffled by this person's reaction because it's just not like them. I know I can't possibly know what is going-on in somebody else's head, and I can't even try...

I just have to move on. A wise man once told me that we can't sit around and wait for closure...we NEVER fully get closure. We need to just understand what we're feeling and know we have to move on and DO it. There is no other option.

Moving-on with my brilliant//hilarious/talented/one in a gazillion/the next Wendy Wasserstein-self (not because anybody else told me I was...I am telling myself that I am..)

Diana Rissetto

No comments: