When we make peace with life events, even when things don't go the way we want, we exhibit grace. When we manage stressful situations with humor, we exhibit grace. When we are accepting of others, we exhibit grace. Grace is not about physical beauty or having a ballerina's poise. It is composed of generosity, forgiveness, and equanimity in the face of trying times.-Sarah Brokaw, FORTYTUDE
I really wish I have exhibited more grace over the past few months.
Things didn't go my way, I was faced with a stressful situation and I blamed other people. I let myself become somewhat of a raving lunatic. I probably, at least temporarily, scared away a bunch of people that I care about a lot.
I am going to look at everything as a growing experience and be grateful that it all happened. There's really no other choice! I have said a few times that I'm glad I was made-fun of as a kid on the schoolbus...it made me very sensitive to cruelty of any kind. And I'm determined to become grateful for what happened to me a few months ago and sure that nothing but good (great) things will come of it from now on.
Recently, a friend of mine told me that I deserve some peace. She was right. I did all I could to mend things with others. I said apologies and told myself that I couldn't do anything else, but hope others could understand how much I went through and how hard it was on me. If they couldn't understand it, or try to, then I've done my best. (Actually, nobody else could understand what I went through, except for me.)
I'll put it under my "pay it forward" list and know that if I ever encounter somebody in the position I am in right now, I'll be their friend, even if I wasn't friends with them to begin with...because you really need a friend when you feel like that.
I really hope that the people that love me will forgive and overlook all of this temporary insanity I have displayed over the past few months and know that I am genuinely trying to grow from this and be stronger (and act like a real grown-up for once.) I will return the favor and always be there for them in their craziness in the future.
My cousin told me about how when she's struggling with something, she writes it down and puts it in a box and leaves it up to God to work it out and tells herself she is now free from the issue. She keeps the notes in that box so she can reread them weeks, months, years later...some of the stuff that seemed so life-or-death back then isn't so important anymore and really DID end-up working-out. I like that practice and am going to try it.
Hind's sight is 20/20. I know now to be a bit calmer, act like a grown-up and not to put things in writing (as my mother always, always told me...but as a writer, that is difficult.)
I am ready to start exhibiting grace. A lot of it.