Sunday, February 20, 2011

Sometimes it feels like a sermon is being directed right at you..........

There has been a reoccurring theme in this blog the past few months, and every time I feel like I have moved on, I realize I am still in quite a bit of pain and can't completely do so...I decided to stop trying to convince myself that I'm fine, because there are many times when I am not. I have to accept that this WILL take a while to get over and that doesn't make me any less of a person or any weaker.

I went to a church in another state today and listened to a sermon spoken by a priest I didn't know. It was about forgiveness. If somebody wrongs you and you are angry at them and hate them...you are just bringing more hurt and anger into this world (and it doesn't need that.)

You are hurting exactly one person...yourself.

The priest quoted, "It's better to light a candle than curse the darkness."

It's okay that I am not 100% over everything and that I have not quite forgiven this person for what he did to me...but constantly reliving what happened in my mind over and over, letting myself get upset and letting my blood boil every time I think about this person is hurting me.

My cousin told me that whenever somebody has wronged her or hurt her in any way, she prays for them that they'll get everything they want from life. That is pretty much the candle quote in action. That way, you have a clear conscience. You really DO feel like the bigger person. She calls it not letting somebody stay on her mind without paying rent.

Honestly? I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to start doing that and I'm not going to lie and pretend that I am. I am still very, very hurt because of the way I was treated and have a very hard time forgiving this person or understanding why they did this to me. I've been through things in the past that, at the time, seemed like the end of the world, but they've always turned-out to happen for a reason. I'm waiting for that to happen again and I hope it's very soon.

Right now, I don't even feel like this person is worth the wax of a candle...and if that's the case, also not worth living in my mind so rent-free...........................

It will get better...right?

Diana Rissetto

Friday, February 18, 2011

At what point does being a hopeless romantic just become a waste of time?

The other day, I was going through an old journal from college. Somebody I cared about very much was moving far away and I had put the lyrics to the song "Think of Me" from The Phantom of the Opera on a page.

"Recall those days/look back on all those times/think of the things we'll never do/there will never be a time that I won't think of you."

Yeah, I wasn't dramatic at all.

I met this person when I was a freshman in college. It was the first and last time I have ever experienced anything like that scene in BIG FISH when he first sees his wife and popcorn freezes in the air.

I saw this person not long ago after several years. He showed-up on a particularly important night of my life, and when he left the room for a minute, I was sitting next to a close male friend, trying to give him the abridged version of why this guy was so important to me. (I might have also asked him if he would pretend to be my boyfriend...but then I remembered that we weren't in a romantic comedy.) I didn't quite know how to explain it all to him, because I wasn't sure how to explain it to myself.It wasn't like we had dated for five years and he broke my heart, and yet I do feel a bit of a broken heart when it comes to him...even though this person has never done a thing to hurt me and never would.

I told my friend that night that I have always had it in the back of my head that I was supposed to end-up with this guy...and he told me that there was probably a reason that he had turned-up that night, surrounded by a bunch of people he didn't know, on a huge nigh in my life...but when he lives in another state and has a girlfriend, does that really matter?

It doesn't anymore...there's no chance...it wasn't meant to be...and it's okay.

Maybe one day I'll see this guy's engagement announcement or see the infamous changing of the facebook status. And I'll be happy for him..

I have to listen to the friends that tell me I'm too great to wait around for anybody, and I look forward to once again having that "popcorn freezing in the air" experience...and even if things don't start like that...it's still okay.

Diana Rissetto

Is getting married really that great of an accomplishment?

I recently witnessed a young woman (that I barely know) announce to various other young women (that she also barely knew) that she had just gotten engaged.

I never saw more excitement in my life. You would have thought she just announced she had cured cancer. They wanted all the details. They went ballistic over the ring. They asked if she had a date set. It was all anybody talked about for the rest of the day.

I started to wonder..."Is getting married REALLY that great of an accomplishment?"

95% of people are married at least once in their lifetime. Half of those marriages fail. You would think that would put a damper on things, but it really doesn't. So many young women see marriage as the ultimate goal and I just don't get it. I often hear about the "smug marrieds" or "smug engageds".

Is it the wedding that makes everybody so excited? If that same girl walked in and announced she was getting marrie but eloping, would everybody care as much? Is it the ring? If she didn't have an engagement ring, would it be as big a deal?

If I were to enter a room and go on and on about one of my writing projects, I'd probably sound like I was bragging...and I wouldn't feel like that roomful of people would care much, anyway...so I don't. But, for some reason, it's okay to go on and on (and on) about a wedding, and that's fine.

So many women view themselves as failures if they're not married by (insert age.) I wonder if they get brainwashed somehow or if it's really how they feel.

Why on earth is marriage such a big deal? It doesn't take a genius to do it. It doesn't take any talent. It doesn't solve your problems.

And don't get me started on babies. Nobody loves babies and little kids more than I do. I have a friend who I have gone to every various wedding and baby-related event she's had. I've spent money on her I really don't have to spend and have been as much a support as I could. However, the one time she was supposed to do something for me...she just didn't show-up. No email, no phone call...just didn't show-up. It made me feel like she viewed my accomplishments as less important than hers because I'm not registering at Babies R Us or Pottery Barn.

Every single one of us are here because SOMEBODY had a child...and, honestly? I refuse to let anybody feel like they are less of a person than that girl on the Maury Povich show who has seven kids and doesn't know who their fathers are.

Point is, we should all be there for our friends and family, support them, and view their happiness as our own, no matter what they are. I don't care if that means shrieking with your best friend because she's so excited that a new Walmart has opened near her apartment.



Diana Rissetto

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Job-hunting is the hardest job in the world...

I will never forget my first job interview out of college. (And that's saying a lot, because I have gone on, roughly, 135,993 job interviews over the years.) It was to work for a children's publishing house. I remember how warm and lovely the building was, the big deal the two people I met with made over my resume, and how I went shopping right after it because I knew I'd need work clothes soon. I called my mother, so excited.

I knew I was getting that job.

I didn't get that job, or the dozens and dozens of jobs I went in for after it. It took me almost two years to find a full-time job out of college. Turns-out, I sounded wonderful on paper and had absolutely no problem getting interview after interview after interview. Even most of the interviews went really well. I got second interviews with the same companies. I had people showing me my cubicle and asking me when I could start.

I even once had somebody shake my hand and said, "Welcome Aboard!"

(Yup. Never heard from them again.)

Finally, I found a job. And I was laid-off from that job. Three months later...I find another job...yup, laid-off again...a month later, I landed where I would stay for three years and where I saw myself staying for the long haul.

And then...(fill in the blanks.)

This last lay-off was particularly heart-breaking. I loved my job. I felt like (most) people I dealt with loved me back. I was a part of a community I wanted to be in...and then it was taken away from me.

For the past three-and-a-half months, I have been looking for a job.

And, as in the past, I have no problem getting job interviews.

I had one that I would have absolutely loved about a month ago, and never heard from them again, despite the woman raving about what an incredible energy I had and that she knew I could do the job with no problem. She told me she'd let me know if I got the job either way...and I haven't heard from her.

Insert another (smaller) heartbreak.

Jobhunting is capable of sucking the life out of you. I feel my spirit breaking, as it did in my past three jobhunts.

I keep reminding myself that it seems like I always end-up exactly where I am supposed to be, have adventures and experiences I was meant to have and meet people to turn-out to be friends that I can't imagine my life without if I tried.

I am waiting for that to happen again, and I really hope it's soon.

Until then, I have a black dress, a strand of pearls, some nice wedge heals perfect for lots of walking and copies of my resume all set.

Diana

Master of my Own Domain

Yes, these last few months have been pretty frustrating and soul-crushing.

It's really easy to blame all of your problems on another person, and I do indeed blame one particular person for those of the past few months. I mean...the majority of my pain and frustration can be directly blamed on this other human being. It's a fact. Anybody close to the situation would agree...it's a fact. It's his fault.

I've been opening-up to few people about this situation and one of my friends has been particularly supportive, and I couldn't be more grateful that he hasn't written me off as a raving lunatic yet.

The other day, he told me...

There has to come a point when Diana becomes the ruler of her own domain...anything that you let get you down has to be channeled into positive work, or else it can be destructive. Always remember that.

I have referred to the past few months as a "nightmare." I guess I shouldn't use those words so lightly. Today I was talking about a member of my church youth group...a little girl with leukemia. That's a nightmare. That's something to cry about and to ask God (or whoever you believe is the higher power) "WHY?"

What happened to me really was unfair, but it's not tragic. It goes against all the rules of karma, but it won't be forever. I'll most likely end-up in a better place than I was. I read once that you have to keep going, because you never know when something wonderful might happen...and maybe that will be tomorrow.

Yes...it IS this person's fault and I do indeed still blame him...but my friend's right...blaming somebody else for all of this hurt only does so much good and I need to take control of this situation and make something positive come-out of it. I can't wait for things to turn-out okay, I have to make sure I MAKE things okay.

Diana Rissetto