Sunday, January 16, 2011

It's okay to have a few rough days.

I haven't been myself lately.

After a very big, unexpected change a couple of months ago, I have found myself struggling a bit. (A bit?)

While the most logical thing to say in such times is, "I am so fortunate! I have a roof over my head/a family who will never let anything bad happen to me/good health"...that always doesn't cut it.

In fact, reminding myself of what a mess this world is in just makes me feel worse. Last week, I was watching coverage in Arizona, especially stories about the 9-year-old girl who died, and cried all night. I see commercials for St. Jude and the ASPCA and I signed-up to be a monthly donor for both of them...but those commercials don't stop and I don't feel like I've done much good.

I live alone, which is difficult and lonely sometimes, especially now, since I'm not working full-time with no real routine. I miss my routine. I miss riding the train, seeing the same people every day, and kicking-back on weekends because I have earned the right to kick back.

What happened in November had a domino effect on my mood, my self-esteem, my spirit.

To repeat what I said in my previous entry, I also can't help asking, "If I'm really as great as people tell me I am, why are there any issues at all? If I really WAS this smart/funny/talented/pretty, shouldn't I have some awesome job that also pays really well and where I am respected? Shouldn't I be an off-Broadway playwright by now or have sold a script for $1 million? Shouldn't I have a string of wonderful boyfriends? (or, at Jake Gyllenhaal?)"

I think there are plenty of people in the world who aren't all of those things and they seem to have it all why don't I? How come I feel like I have fallen very much behind everybody else? Will I ever catch-up? Do I NEED to catch-up? What exactly is "wrong" with me?

I was sad this week. I cried a lot. And then somebody who I have only met twice likened me to "a little energizer bunny." I guess I put-up a good front.......................

I'll hold onto that whole "darkness is just before dawn" thing.

Until then....................


1 comment:

Net said...

Not an off Broadway playwrite? You may be going by a specific definition those of us outside of your world don't understand, but you're most definitely a PRODUCED playwrite, an award winning writer, with loads of talent.

If you are looking at people who make you feel behind the curve at your age... go read about JK Rowling's life. It may make you feel better, and help you realize sometimes those bound to be famous, adored writers... are just writers struggling amid those who don't recognize their brilliance quite yet. I'm not saying you'll get ridiculously rich writing about wizards, but that you have a way of weaving magic with words, and someday you'll be an ON Broadway writer. :)