I haven't been myself lately.
After a very big, unexpected change a couple of months ago, I have found myself struggling a bit. (A bit?)
While the most logical thing to say in such times is, "I am so fortunate! I have a roof over my head/a family who will never let anything bad happen to me/good health"...that always doesn't cut it.
In fact, reminding myself of what a mess this world is in just makes me feel worse. Last week, I was watching coverage in Arizona, especially stories about the 9-year-old girl who died, and cried all night. I see commercials for St. Jude and the ASPCA and I signed-up to be a monthly donor for both of them...but those commercials don't stop and I don't feel like I've done much good.
I live alone, which is difficult and lonely sometimes, especially now, since I'm not working full-time with no real routine. I miss my routine. I miss riding the train, seeing the same people every day, and kicking-back on weekends because I have earned the right to kick back.
What happened in November had a domino effect on my mood, my self-esteem, my spirit.
To repeat what I said in my previous entry, I also can't help asking, "If I'm really as great as people tell me I am, why are there any issues at all? If I really WAS this smart/funny/talented/pretty, shouldn't I have some awesome job that also pays really well and where I am respected? Shouldn't I be an off-Broadway playwright by now or have sold a script for $1 million? Shouldn't I have a string of wonderful boyfriends? (or, at least...one Jake Gyllenhaal?)"
I think there are plenty of people in the world who aren't all of those things and they seem to have it all together...so why don't I? How come I feel like I have fallen very much behind everybody else? Will I ever catch-up? Do I NEED to catch-up? What exactly is "wrong" with me?
I was sad this week. I cried a lot. And then somebody who I have only met twice likened me to "a little energizer bunny." I guess I put-up a good front.......................
I'll hold onto that whole "darkness is just before dawn" thing.