Sunday, February 7, 2010

I told my mom that I'm going to stop worrying...

...about everything!

That is, most likely, much easier said than done.

A few weeks ago, a friend said to me (this friend is a Broadway star and he said these words to me in his dressing room after his show. This has nothing to do with the story...it just makes it a little more impressive and exciting) as I was complaining about my life and current problems, "To quote Michael Jackson...you gotta make that change."

We all know that I really hate change, and try to avoid it at all costs, but have been trying to embrace it just a little more.

I can't change the state of the world right now...and I can't change the fact that some people are just hurtful for the sake of being hurtful...but I can change the way I react to things.

I was reading all journal entries from after I was laid-off almost three years ago.

(Yikes, that was three years?)

That was definitely one of the most crushing things I had ever experienced...and that is actually kind of pathetic for me to say, considering I watched one of my parents die as a child. THAT matters. THAT is what counts.

A job isn't.

Not at all.

I remember that day, walking in the pouring rain, juggling all the junk from my desk, crying my heart out.

And while I can't change the fact that job losses will happen, I can know that crying and feeling miserable and defeated doesn't help anything at all.

I really should have just felt sorry for that office for letting go somebody as devoted and enthusiastic and funny as me.

The other day, I told a close friend of mine that I often feel a lot younger than everybody else our age...maybe this comes from the fact that I'm not married and I don't own my own home and I don't make a stellar salary.

She told me she feels the same way...and then said that it was strange, because she and I are often TOO mature in the way we over think things and the way we really care about other people's feelings, while so many don't.

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels a little lost and backwards right now...like I should have it "more together" and I really don't...

I also worry that what will happen if my mother decides to sell our family home, where I have been living, mostly alone, for the past few years. I worry about that often.

But I'm going to stop worrying about that...

...and just be grateful that I have a roof over my head and always will.

I worry that I don't make much money...

But I'm going to stop worrying about that...

...and be happy that I have a job at ALL in this economy, and a job that has brought me some great adventures and friends.

I worry that I'm single, and sometimes worry that I'm "running out of time." Everybody else is getting married and having kids!

But I'm going to stop worrying about that...

...and listen to Michael Buble's "I Just Haven't Met You Yet" whenever I feel down, and remind myself that I COULD have gotten married to the "wrong guy" by now, but I haven't...and that just because people are married, doesn't mean they are any happier or better than I am...and one day when it does happen for me, I'll really appreciate it and now I didn't settle.

So...my friend told me I had to make a change...

...and maybe I'm not really ready to make too many major changes. I don't want to move to another state, or find a job in a different field, or let people fix me-up on blind dates or start straightening my hair...

And that's okay.

I think the biggest change I can make right now is my general outlook.

Perhaps then the rest will fall into place.

Diana Rissetto