Wednesday, January 13, 2010

My heart sank yesterday.

And I now understand what that term means.

When your heart "sinks" really does sink. I mean, you actually FEEL it physically sinking. I wonder who it was that first coined that expression, because it absolutely fits.

However, I was able to choke-back the tears until about 10:30 PM, when my mother called...and then I cried and cried.

And cried.

I think I lost about twelve pounds of sodium.

I became a pathetic girl.

I'm not a pathetic girl.

I am sunny. I smile a lot.

I bounce off of walls.

The last thing in the entire world I want to be is a pathetic, typical girl crying over pathetic, typical girl stuff.

I'm better than that!


My mother was very sympathetic, but she also told me that life is not a movie and that I was expecting things to work-out like a movie.

Somebody once read my profile somewhere and told me they felt like they were reading the description of a Meg Ryan movie...but I'm not a movie...and as much as things always turn-out perfectly for Meg Ryan, they're not going to work-out perfectly for me all the time...because this is the real world. It stinks...but it's the real world.

Maybe the fact that I'm a writer really hurts me as well. I play God with characters...I make things resolve perfectly...I love a happy ending, with a bouncy Harry Connick song playing in the credits and the audience giving a satisfied, "Awwwwwwe." I fix things. I live life twice.

I was also called "idealistic" yesterday...I really don't think I am...I'm not going to claim that I come from the school of hard knocks...but it really hasn't always been THAT easy for me. People have told me on many occasions, "You're a tough cookie! You've gone through a lot at such a young age!" I know that the world is rough...I know that people get sick and die long before they should, and that earthquakes and planes that fly into buildings in our very own city kill thousands of innocent people.

My rose-colored glasses aren't THAT tinted.

But, at the same time, I really do try my best...I don't even think I TRY to be a good person, I think I genuinely AM a good person just because that was the way I was wired. I want to be happy and when something happens that really makes me feel like happiness is hard to achieve, I get more upset than I should.

I thought about that line from The Fantasticks, "Without a hurt, the heart is hallow."

And, going along with my previous entry about not taking things for granted anymore, maybe I can look at this as one of those, "I AM really lucky that I even HAVE a heart that is able to sink!"

Some people aren't so lucky. Some people go through lives never caring or crying or laughing over anything.

I will allow myself a very rare pathetic girl meltdown once in a while...the rest of the time, however? I prefer to live my life like a Meg Ryan movie and hope for a happy ending.

Diana Rissetto