Saturday, November 27, 2010

I am going to stop putting so much faith in karma...

I don't think it does much good.

A few weeks ago, I was carrying around a great deal of hurt, anger and disappointment...caused by one individual in particular.

Hate's a strong word. I try not to use it too often. I will not say that I hate this person...but I was definitely having some hateful feelings that I am not used to having.

Several friends told me not to worry about it...that karma would take care of 'em.

That was a comfort for a little while...but I really don't think it goes too far. It doesn't really help ME much to know that karma will one day get them.

The best and healthiest thing I can do right now is 100% distance myself from this person and put them far out of my mind. They don't DESERVE to be in my mind in any way.

Maybe karma will get them...and I will hear that they are failing miserable in everything they attempt in life...but even if they are, how does that help me out at all? They're successes have nothing to do with my successes, nor do their failures have anything to do with my failures.

I try to be really nice to most people. I always hold the door open and say, "Bless you" when I hear a stranger sneeze. I donate to charities even if I don't have much money. I volunteer my time working with children at my church. (They're not inner city children in desperate need of guidance, but good kids who choose to hang-out at church on weekends. But I still enjoy it.) I write happy stories and plays that I hope make other people happy and put something positive out into the world. I don't do all of this because because I want good karma. I am a nice person because I am a nice person. Maybe it won't bring wonderful things into my life. Maybe I will never quite catch a break, become wildly successful, fall in love with the great love of my life, forever have great health...but I can sleep well (or as well as an insomniac can sleep) knowing that I am nice to people and treat them with respect and have always tried my best.

Maybe that peace of mind is what is "in it for me". Maybe I'm not looking to be rewarded or punished...and maybe I don't need to care at all if other people are or aren't.

I remember watching a television show which had a Holocaust survivor as a character. Her friend asked her how on earth she managed to go on with her life, and be such a sweet, loving person, despite everything that she had seen and gone through. She responded with, "My revenge is being happy."

Okay, if a Holocaust survivor can feel that way, sure as heck I can as well.

I am going to be happy.

And I am going to wish nothing but happiness and health and prosperity on that person who crushed me so much a few weeks ago. It does me no good if other people are failing and suffering.

There are so many wonderful, beautiful people in my life to concern myself with. Some people just aren't worth it...and those are the ones I will let out of my life and mind and wish nothing but the best...

Diana Rissetto

Friday, November 26, 2010

Today is a new day...

I am a famous insomniac (have been for almost twenty years) and over the past few years, that insomnia has been brought on by worrying completely irrationally about everything under the sun at 3:00 AM.

I did that last night.

The last few weeks had its moments which were nothing short of a nightmare.

As I said earlier, though, it did bring-out good moments, since it made me realize how many true friends I had that were willing to be so supportive and patient when I was this inconsolable mess.

But I'm still worrying.

About everything.

It has been said and written a million times that "everything happens for a reason." I definitely believe that...but sometimes I wonder if that is just something people say so you don't completely lose your mind and become discouraged when you can't catch a break. Same goes for, "you find love when you least expect it." Do people just say that to stop us from becoming too brokenhearted or is it true?

I also have major issues with change. Always have, and I expect I always will. Perhaps that's how I found myself in the situation I was in a few weeks ago. I wasn't able to make a change for myself, and it was forced upon me. Had I been braver and more willing to make that change earlier...I could have spared myself the disappointment, sadness and humiliation I felt.

I am going to stop worrying and fixating on things that I cannot control...right now.

I have control over whether or not I worry. Nobody is forcing me to. It does absolutely no good and doesn't help anything get fixed or accomplished. I am going to take it second-by-second, minute-by-minute, day-by-day, year-by-year...until I realize I haven't quite worried in a long, long time.

Diana Rissetto

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

I started my first full-time job almost five years ago.

I was overwhelmed and excited and knew it was the perfect office for me.

On one of my first days there, a new coworker was writing-out envelopes near my desk.

She announced out-loud, "I love writing envelopes to the Richard Rodgers...the Neil Simon...the August Wilson...I feel like I'm writing love letters to these brilliant men...and Richard Rodgers is my favorite, because I love thinking of the kind of things he'd write back to me..."

I knew at that very moment that I had just met somebody who would be one of my very best friends for life.

This past weekend, that friend became engaged to be married.

Congratulations, Laura!

Diana Rissetto

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

I took my SAT's right after my father died.

I'm not sure exactly how much time had past...I think it was about a week.

I remember seeing people and they said to me, "Wait...didn't your father just die?"

And I'd say, "Yes. But I need to take my SAT's."

I did really well on the SAT's that time. I think it was a combination between the fact that I was remarkably at peace, but with a racing mind at the same time.

On Sunday night, I went to see The Merchant of Venice on Broadway. It was the opening night, and Lily Rabe was returning to the stage just two days (two days!) after her mother, Jill Clayburgh, died from cancer.

The moment she stepped on stage, I remembered taking those SAT's and how everybody thought I was strange...or maybe just really strong...for being able to do that...

She gave a beautiful performance, and broke-down at curtain call. And as Al Pacino (who was in a relationship with her mom for five years) gave her flowers, I think a lot of us in the audience cried, too.

I wanted to hug her and to tell her what I am sure she already knew...her mom was definitely with her that night.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Blessings in disguise...

I really AM a big believer in the "everything happens for a reason" theory, but usually it takes a while before you realize things really DID happen for a reason. A few weeks, a month, a year. It's never quite immediate...but last week, it was immediate for me.

Something happened.

I cried, I lost sleep, I didn't eat for about three days. I became frightened about my future, I felt like a bit of a failure, I wondered what would happen to me and got into that very dangerous mindset of comparing myself to other people. I said many times, "This is not FAIR."

I wondered if everything would be okay. It didn't feel like it at the time.

I didn't have to wait a while until I found things happening for a reason, though.

While everything was going on, while I was crying and exhausted and couldn't handle looking at food...several people really came through for me and I realized that I am very much cared-about and loved.

Maybe that's why that all happened.

Maybe it was so I could realize how lucky I am to have such great friends...maybe another person would have went through the same thing and not had anybody there for her.

I will take this as a sign of only good things to come, and keep moving-on...

Diana Rissetto