It was from a song that I had never heard, but the words stuck with me...(obviously, considering it's been eight years and I still remember them.)
you'll always seek
a sentimental forgotten friend
who will always love you until the end
I think I liked that so much because I feel like I AM the "sentimental forgotten friend" to a lot of people.
Maintaining friendships has always been very important to me. It would probably be easy to blame these attachment issues on the whole "parent dying at a young age" thing, but I think these issues came long before that. I don't like losing people. I hate the thought of being close friends with somebody and then getting to the point where we reach major life milestones and don't even know about them until you hear from a friend of a friend of a friend.
I moved when I was in the 4th grade, and did my absolute best to keep in touch with ALL of my classmates. This was long before email...we wrote letters. Daniela and I wrote religiously until about the 8th grade, then stopped suddenly (that makes me sad), but she was the only one who was really good with writing back. Most 10-year-olds don't like writing letters...but I didn't want to lose any of my friends.
I hate change. I don't think it's ever a good thing. I hate leaving places. I hate saying goodbye. When my mother and I saw the Winona Ryder version of Little Women in the movie theater, my mom couldn't believe how much Jo was like me...the sensitive, emotional writer who just wants everything to stay the same.
A few years ago, I was in the car with two girls that I had been good friends with throughout high school. I was sitting in the backseat and suddenly I asked myself, "Who are these people? These aren't the same girls I was friends with for all those years..."
They had changed...and so had I. Neither for better or worse, just changed...and as we grew-up and changed, so did our roles in each other's lives.
Nobody was right, nobody was wrong...things were just different.
Over the past few weeks, I had to remember that ephiphany I had after I was in the car with my old friends that night. Maybe things do happen for a reason...we meet people at certain times in our lives because we're supposed to learn something from them and to help them...and maybe we end-up with a lifelong friend, or maybe we end-up drifting apart.
I am a chornic apologizer. (Is that a word?) I hate feeling like people are angry with me. I try way too hard to fix problems I have with people. On several occasions, friends have blown-up at me for saying "I'm Sorry" too much and that I was making things way worse by being so apologetic when I hadn't even done really anything to begin with.
But, maybe some things are beyond my control...I am learning that now...and no amount of "I'm Sorry's" can mend them. And things do change...and maybe it's time for me to finally finally finally accept that.
I wonder if, perhaps, there is somebody out there who feels like they are MY "sentimental forgotten friend"...I find that hard to believe...