Wednesday, May 7, 2008

No More Cry

When I was younger, I developed an obsession with all things Irish.

I am not sure when or why it started. I don't have a drop of Irish blood in me.

Darby O'Gil and the Little People (Starring a very very young Sean Connery.)was one of my favorite movies when I was little. Chris O'Donnell was my first movie star crush. (I would go on to fall for many an Irish-American guy, both onscreen and in real life.) I listened to Irish pop music...and I became a fan of the lovely, wonderful, talented Irish sibling music group...The Corrs.

(Might I add the only time I EVER want straight hair for a SECOND is when I see a picture of The Corrs.)

The Corrs lost their mother in 1999. I lost my father in 1999.

When I first heard their song "No More Cry", I knew exactly what they were singing about...

I wanna feel just like before
Before the rain came in my door
Shook me up turned me around
Made me cry till I would drown

Over the past few weeks, a few of my friends have lost parents.

When I called to check-up on one of my friends, whose dad was in hospice care, and she told me that he had passed away that morning, I automatically was back in 1999 and feeling the same feelings that I had when my father died.

It is something that never goes away, and is triggered very easily. I didn't even know this girl's father...but for some reason, whenever somebody around me loses a parent, I feel like my dad is dying all over again. I remember "crying till I would drown"...and going to class and trying to get through the day and feeling that nobody in the world understood what I was going through.

I always feel an odd, automatic kinship with other people who have lost parents at a young age.

When I was in high school, there was a girl in my creative writing class who had lost her mom. We both used to write about our similar experiences. I remember having a dream one night that I went up to her and told her that I thought we should talk sometime because we had a lot in common and could probably help each other a lot. A couple of days after that dream, she came up to me and said almost the same exact thing. It was weird...but very true. We both "got it."

I used to visit the school psychiatrist after my dad died...she had ALSO lost her dad as a teenager...and when I started seeing a therapist after college (when I was in my "Quarterlife Crisis Crazy Jobhunt What On Earth Am I Doing" period...), I managed to find a wonderful doctor whose dad died when she was 14. I felt so lucky to have had both of them to help me out. Yes...they "get it."

Peter Cincotti (in my opinion...the most talented young musician out there), lost his dad when he was a teenager. Peter was performing onstage and his dad had a heart attack. Once again...I never met this kid, but I feel like if I ever did, we would have an odd off-the-bat "we're both from close-knit Italian families and lost our dads when we were kids" connection. (Listen to his song "He's Watching", which is about his dad. Beautiful.)

Stole the daylight, brought the night
So much anger I would fight
Lost my youth and the blue
Saw all the loneliness in you
Wanna help you give my love
Shine some light out from the mud
Fill the empty find a rhyme
A brigther day a better time
But I'm wondering where I'm gone
Can't find the truth within my song
And all I have give to you
To let you know you're not alone

I was only 17 when my dad died and he wasn't even 50. In a sense, I had to grow-up really fast during that time...but in another way, I am still 17, still the age I was when everything was turned upside-down. I remember my friends all worrying about boyfriends and proms and getting their licenses...and I was worrying about my dad dying.

Luckily, even though my friends weren't always the most understanding during this time (and I really can't blame them, it's a hard thing to go through at any age, let alone junior year of high school.), I had my family and I knew they would always be there to understand what I was going through. I still very clearly remember when we were at the funeral home and my mom and aunt were making arrangements. My sister, cousin and I were waiting in the lobby. I remember being drained. I remember my sister resting her head on my cousin's shoulder. I remember that I really wasn't alone as long as I had my family and that we would get through this.

I'm telling you
I'm smiling for you only
I'm trying for you solely
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry...

Ever since my dad died, I feel like I kind of force myself upon people when they lose a, "I'm here for you! I am here for you! Here's a card! And I'm going to call you! Please let me know if you need anything!" I know it's probably annoying and not always welcome and people deal with grief in different ways...but I really don't know what else to do. I remember how much it hurt to have my friends barely acknowledge my dad's death...and I never want to make another person feel that way.

At the same time, I feel like I am supposed to know exactly the right words to say, and I really don't. I feel like I am supposed to know exactly the right thing to do, and I don't...and it wasn't until I witnessed some of my friends losing parents until I understood why my own friends distanced themselves from me when my dad died. It's a horrible thing to deal with. Nobody knows how to react and there really ARE no words.

I wanna hear you laugh again
Without the ache to bring you down
No we'll never be the same
If only I could take your pain
But if it's true what people say
There still is beauty in each day
We'll find comfort in her strength
One day soon we'll meet again

So...that's what I have told my friends recently...that there is absolutely nothing I can do or say to make them feel better, because when I lost my dad, there was absolutely nothing anybody could do or say to make ME feel better.

I am being completely honest with them.

I'm telling you
I'm smiling for you only
I'm trying for you solely
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry...
I'm singing for you only
Yeah, I worry for you only
I'm praying for you only
No more cry, no more cry...
Reach out for love
Shout out for love
Listen for your love
Believe in her love...

I also make sure to tell them that they're going to be fact, I PROMISE them that they're going to be okay...and I believe it...because, nine years later, my family is okay.

And there is no more cry...

Diana Rissetto

1 comment:

Corey B said...

I know what you mean about people think you know what to say - but even after loosing both of my parents (and my brother) when I was young I still have foot-in-mouth disease whenever I go to funerals.

I also seem to find kinship with people that lost parents at a young age (I was 13 when my Mom & brother died, 27 when Dad died) but I seem to shy away from those who preface almost every negative thing they do with "well I lost my ___ when I was __ so that is why I can do it." I have a friend who lost her father at a young age and she blames EVERYTHING on it, to be honest I want to smack her at times. I like to be the way I am despite the struggles I've had in life - not be what I am as a result of it.

They tried to make me go to our counselor but she was a HORRID woman. Eek.