Sunday, August 5, 2007

My sister deserves a monument...

...because she had the shortest, least painful bridal shower that I have ever gone to yesterday. (And that is saying a lot.) I would like to take some credit as the Maid of Honor, but I really can't. My sister was just being one incredibly easy-going guest of honor, who said a big "NO" to surprises, shower games, and a huge guest list.

I often wonder if men have any idea how lucky they are that they don't have to go to showers. They are pure torture. Pretty much every single girl claims that she hates them and never wants one, but nobody actually goes through with that "never having one" thing...possibly because after going to ninety-five bridal showers over the course of two years, you feel that all the women who invited you to yours ought to be punished in SOME way and come to yours. (At least, that is how I am feeling.)

This is absolutely nothing personal, and I am not aiming this at any particular friend or relative, but I have played enough Bridal Shower Bingo to last the rest of my lifetime. Women actually get catty and nasty and fight over this ridiculous game. I also have absolutely NO need for a pink pencil that says "Tatianna's Bridal Shower June 9 2007". (I don't know anybody named Tatianna which is why I am using that name...actually, I did know a Tatianna once...some random girl who made First Communion with my class because she went to public school. I haven't seen her since that day in 1990, so I obviously haven't been invited to her bridal shower.)

I was at a shower once in which the favors were lollipops of...the male anatomy...attached to lips...with drops of white chocolate on it. There were grandmas and great-aunts and little kids there...(and lollipops of the male anatomy...attached to lips...with drops of white chocolate on it.) Something is not right there.

At another shower, the groom had to drive the bride around to five different restaurants before he brought her to the final destination (where her friends and relatives were waiting to shout-out "SURPRISE!"). He did this to throw-her off. Because, you know, she wasn't expecting a shower or anything crazy like that. None of these girls that have suprise showers see it coming. Nope nope nope. That look of surprise on their faces are purely genuine.

Ever since I was a kid, I have hated opening gifts in front of people...having to act surprised and that you LOVE the gift, even if the complete opposite is true. However, when it's a shower, and you are getting presents that you REGISTERED FOR AND TOLD PEOPLE TO BUY FOR YOU, how are you supposed to act when you open the gift (with the person sitting right there?) "Oh wow...a George Foreman grill, just like the one that I put on my Macy's registery, I can't believe somebody actually bought it for me after I came right out and asked fifty people to buy it for me! Thank you so much! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"

My sister was the first person to arrive at the shower, was there to greet everybody, the shower began promptly at 1 and ended at 3:43.Things went very smoothly, and we even had little kids running around with mixing bowls on their heads for entertainment.

Even though, at the rate I am going, I will not be getting married until the year 2046, I have already decided that I DO indeed want a bridal shower, and I want a Breakfast at Tiffany's themed-one, at that. All of my friends will wear long gloves and tiaras and we will eat croissants and omelettes and play "pin the tail on the nameless cat." (This, of course, will go along with my Breakfast at Tiffany's themed wedding, when I will walk down the aisle to a string-quartet playing "Moon River."

There was one cringeworthy (and funny moment) when my sister opened one gift to find that it was a pair of underwear (I really really hate the word "panties") with "Mrs (Her Future Last Name)" written across them in sparkly letters.

Her future Mother-in-Law, whose name, of course, is Mrs. (My Sister's Future Last Name) joked, "Oh! Can I borrow those!?!?!" My sister giggled and widened her eyes...I did the same. It was funny.

It wouldn't be a shower without an awkward moment like that, of course.

By the way, I am registering for my "Not Getting Married, Not Having a Baby, Just Got a New Job and Really Don't Have Much Money and Am Still Not Sure What I am Doing With My Life" shower.

I will be sending out the Evite this week.

Diana Rissetto